Archive for May, 2009

What to do, what to do…

May 19, 2009

First, I can’t STAND to not be in control, drives me nuts! However, I fully understand things are totally out of my control, but I can’t help but want to have some sort of control over them. i.e – a certain someone, job, and basically life in general.

For the past few days I have been in this mysterious “funk”. I’m not mad, sad or unhappy, I just am in limbo or something weird like that. I’m happy and smiley and joyous, but SOMETHING(s) is/are bothering me and I can’t quite figure it out – now that’s annoying!

I’m wondering if it has anything to do with me not working out the last two weeks because I was heavily focused on this project?  Or because I didn’t read my Bible once last week? Or because I can’t(need to) get over how a certain someone acted towards me (punk!) – I take that back…sort of! Or…what!? I don’t know! I just feel, weird.

So, I started back working out this week – endorphins flowing, check! Read my Bible, check! Won’t speak to that person, or is it the other way around, check! Then what!  ugh! just ugh!

I think I also feel guilty for engaging in some serious flirtatious behavior with someone I definitely shouldn’t be flirting with, talking to, sure, flirting with, NO! Guilt is a major thing…maybe that’s it? idk!!!!

You ever heard of that silly thing, you know, being afraid of success? It’s disturbing. That’s all I will say about that.

I am on the brink of a MAJOR life changing event and I am THRILLED beyond belief at the opportunities and the experiences and just so excited for this! Can’t wait! Claim it. Belive it. Receive it. = receipe for success!

Something is so not right in my soul. This sux. I want to turn this frown upside down, ASAP! bleh!

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The evolution – Part un

May 17, 2009

This is like a major confession session.  Stay tuned, you might learn something. I am going to share with you how my life was changed in September 2007.

A little back story(in bullet form so as not to bore)…

– 2005-end of 2006 – involved in a STOOPID relationship with someone who was otherwise committed; so much time wasted, sad.

– beginning of 2007 – tired of dating the usual suspects, I decide to step outside my dating box (LOL)

– quarter one, 2007 – in steps Fraternity boy – four months of incessant drama as only DC boys that are in frats can bring

– quarter two, 2007 – in steps Air Force – he opens his heart up to me and I don’t know what to do with it, but stomp all over it and break him and me in the process

– quarter two into quarter three, 2007 – start two new relationships still reveling and hurting from Air Force – one with a youngin and one with a shady past that doesn’t come out until it’s too…late…

July 2007 – end it with the youngin because he’s got way too many female friends, and not enough time for me! ; the shady one and I step our relationship up to him….moving in (long story)

August 2007 – He makes his way into my whole life and my eyes being to open; I finally get out of him what he’s been HIDING from me and well, all hell breaks loose!

September 2007 – The shady one is finally out of my life and I am left in shambles; emotional distress at it’s finest, couple that with work drama and I was a DISASTER!

September 2007, I have noone else to turn to but God!  I have always been in the church, through all of the aforementioned drama too, but none of that could prepare me for the emotional and psychological hurt I faced and ultimately brought unto myself.

Life was rough enough, and then I introduce these jokers in my life, gee I wonder why I was messed up!  Anyways, after ending it once and for all with the shady one, God totally stepped in and saved me from myself; He put His foot down, grabbed my hand and said, Now, you must follow me! And I did, reluctantly, with tears in my eyes, not knowing, but what has been instilled in me from childhood was waking up and I grabbed hold of His unchanging hand and have never let go!

Now, I have always been one to pray, praise, ASK FORGIVENESS, go to church, pay my tithes, go to Bible study etc etc. But my life took on a whole new meaning during September 2007.  I joined this church I had been visiting, Heritage Fellowship Church, and learned to finally, fully and wholly trust my everything – circumstances, life – to the One and only.

I literally had no choice; that’s how God does it though, He lets you handle what you THINK you can handle, and then He steps in to clean the mess you’ve made of everything!  Just like a good parent.  God broke me down to nothing – in every sense of the word – money wise, job wise, dating(really who is thinking abut this when I was going through what I was going through, but I ofcourse was).  It’s then and there that when I thought I had nothing, I really had EVERYTHING I ever needed in Jesus.

Life was NOT peachy keen! I’ve been in and out of work more than I can imagine, but He still kept me.  My life storms were just beginning to brew and I had NO idea what was in store for me.  However, I am so THANKFUL that I can look back and thank the good Lord for not only bringing me TO those storms, but bringing my THROUGH those storms!!!!!

I now know that what I went through and experienced was not just for me, but for me to share with others…this is MY tesimony.  Without a test, there is no Testimony…to be continued